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Funny
Doctor Jokes
1.
'Doctor, please hurry. My
son swallowed a razor blade'
'Dont panic, i'm coming immediately,
have you done anything yet?'
'Yeah, i shaved with the electric
razor.'
2. Doctor, Doctor,
Youve got to help me - i just
cant stop my hands shaking!''Did
you drink a lot?''Not really
- most of it spilled out!'
3. Doctor, doctor,
will i be able to play the
viloin after the operation?
'Yes, ofcourse..''Great! I
never could before!'
4. The surgeon told
his patient that woke up after
having been operated, 'I'm
afraid we're going to have
to operate you again. Because,
you see, I forgot my rubber
gloves inside of you.''Well
if it's just because of them,
I'd rather pay for them if
you just leave me alone.'
5. Doctor: I have some
bad news and some very bad
news for you.
Patient: well you might as
well tell me the bad news
first.Doctor: The lab called
with your test results. They
said you have twenty four
hours to live,Patient: 24
HOURS! WHAT COULD BE WORSE??
whats the very bad news?Doctor
: I've been trying to reach
you since yesterday.
6. A man goes to his
doctor for a complete check-up,
he hasnt been feeling well
all day and wants to find
out if he's ill. After the
checkup the doctor comes out
with the test results of the
examination.
'I'm afraid i have some bad
news. Youre dying and you
dont have much time,' the
doctor says.'Oh no, that's
terrible, how much time do
i have?' the man asks.'10...'
says the doctor.'10? 10 what?
Months? Weeks? What?' he asks
desperately.'10....9...8....7....'
7. A man walks into
the doctor's office. He has
a cucumber up his
nose, a carrot in his left_inner
ear and a banana in his right
ear.'Whats the matter with
me?' he asks the doctor,The
doctor replies 'Youre not
eating properly.'
8. 'Doctor, are you
sure i'm suffering from pnuemonia?
I've heard once about a doctor
treating someone with pnuemonia
and finally dieingof typhus.''Dont
worry, it wont happen with
me, if i treat someone with
pnuemonia he will die with
pnuemonia.'
9. A guy walks into
work and both of his ears
are all bandaged up. The boss
asks, 'What happened to your
ears?'
He says, 'Yesterday i was
ironing a shirt when the phone
rang and shhh! i accidently
answered the phone,'The boss
asks, 'Well that explains
one ear, what about to your
other ear?'He says, "Well,
jeez, i had to call the doctor!'
10. A pipe bursts in
a doctor's house. He called
the plumber. The plumber arrived,
umpacked the tools, did some
plumber-type things and handed
the doctor the bill for $600,The
doctor exclaimed 'This is
ridiculous! I dont even make
that much as a doctor!'The
plumber answered quietly,
'Neither did i when i was
a doctor.'
11. A fellow walks
into a doctor's office and
the receptionist asked him
what he had.He said, 'Shingles'She
took down his name, address,
medical insurance number and
told him to have a seat.A
few minutes later a nurse's
aid came out and asked him
what he had.
He said, 'Shingles'She took
down his height, weight, a
complete medical history and
told him to wait in the examining
room.
Ten minutes later a nurse
came in and asked him what
he had.
He said, 'Shingles'So gave
him a blood test, a blood
pressure test, an electrocardiogram,
told him to take off all his
clothes and wait for the doctor.Fifteen
minutes later the doctor came
in and asked him what he had.He
said, 'Shingles'The doctor
asked, 'Where'He said, 'Outside
in the truck, where do you
want them?'
12. Patient to the
doctor, 'Whenever i drink
coffee, i have this sharp,
excruciating pain.''Try to
remember to remove the spoon
from the cup before drinking,'
13. Patient: I always
see spots before my eyes.
Doctor: Didnt the new glasses
help? Patient: Sure, now i
see the spots much clearer.
14. 'Are you an organ
donor?' 'No but i once gave
an old piano to the Salvation
Army'
15. Things you dont
want to hear during a surgery
:
- Oops!- Has anyone seen my
watch?- That was some party
last night,
i cant remember when ive been
so drunk.- Damn! Page 47 of
the manual is missing!- Well
this book doesnt say that,
what edition is your manual?-
Better save that, we'll need
it for the autopsy.- Comeback
with that! Bad dog!- Wait
a minute, if this is his spleen,
then whats that?
- Hand me that.... uh...that
uh.. thingie- Damn!, there
go the lights again.
- Ya' know, there's big money
in kidney's, heck the guys
got two of them.- Everybody
stand back!, i lost my contact
lenses.- Could you stop that
thing from beating, it's throwing
my concentration off.- I wish
i hadnt forgotten my glasses.-
What do you mean he's not
insured?- Nurse, did this
patient sign the organ donor
card?- What do you mean you
want a divorce?- Let's hurry,
i dont want to miss Baywatch!-
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
16. A man needing a
heart transplant is told be
his doctor that the only heart
available is that of a sheep.
The man finally agrees and
the doctor transplants thet
sheep's heart into the man.
A few days after the operation,
the man comes in for a checkup.
The doctor asks him, 'How
are you feeling?' the man
replies, 'Not BAAAAAD!"
Doctor Jokes.
17. Three doctors are
on a duck blind and a duck
flies overhead. The genereal
practitioner looks at it and
says, 'Looks like a duck,
flies like a duck, it's probably
a duck,' shoots at it but
misses and the bird flies
away.The next bird flies overhead,
and the pathologist looks
at it, then looks through
the pages of a bird manual,
and says, 'Hmmmm, green wings,
yellow bill, quacking sound,
might be a duck,' he raises
his gun to shoot but the duck
is well gone.A third bird
flies overhead. The surgeon
raises his gun and shoots
almost without looking, bring
the bird down, and turns to
the pathologist and says,
'Go see if that was a duck,'
18. A baseball manager
who had an ulcer was in his
physician office for a check-up.
'Remember,' the doctor said,
'Dont get excited, dont get
mad and forget about baseball
when youre off the field.'
Then he added, 'By the way,
how come you let the pitcher
bat yesterday with the tying
run on second and two men
out in the ninth.'
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